I hope I find my way back

I'm at the point in my life where I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do next. My life is moving too fast and I'm not ready for it. It seems like just yesterday I was in middle school, not caring whether I listened in class or not because then, I was naturally smart. My mind could be completely out the door, and when the teacher assigned us a quick quiz, I'd pass it effortlessly. I used to be the kid others would ask for help on classwork, or people would refer to me as "the smart one". These days, I'm the kid asking for help.

It's not that I'm getting lazier. I actually WANT to complete all the tasks given to me. But, there are other factors in life that prevent me from doing so. I only have one life, like everyone else. It may be okay for others to use that time to stick their faces into their books but not me. I want to use this time to have fun because when I'm officially an adult, things would never be the same. I can't go back to being a kid and there would undoubtedly be much more responsibility.


My worse fear is near. I'm in my last year of high school. I promised myself that I would not procrastinate but a month into school, I already have missing assignments, failing a class, and falling way behind. This is not like me. I'm the type of person that goes to the internet a lot for answers because I'm an introverted person, and asking others is not an option. I find a lot of answers on the internet. I actually searched about the possibility of becoming stupider. I learned that being sleep deprived is one cause. I realized that my sleep patterns are completely jumbled. I sleep for 4 hours one night, and the next night I sleep for 13 hours. Less sleep than recommended makes a person sleepy, and more sleep than recommended also makes a person sleepy.

At my age, I'm worrying about work to help earn money to pay off college. I'm worrying about a "senior project" in school to be recognized by the BOE. I'm worrying about passing all my classes. I'm worrying about scholarships, SAT's and ACT's. I'm also worrying about responsibilities I have at home. My family tell me each day that I'm becoming lazier. I go out every chance I have with my friends but usually we just eat, and go home right after. This gives them the idea that I have all the time in the world, yet I'm getting nothing completed.


I'm also co-treasurer for my school health club, and chairperson for my clubs fundraising committee but I feel like I don't deserve it. I realized that I fake my way through everything, and that's not what I want to become... a faker. I realized that I take any chance I have to put off priority work. I used to have time to write in my diary every night. That has been a huge help to me when I needed to speak out my emotions but no one was there to listen. Blogging it out helps a bit too, and I know I'm not making much sense. This must be just a long rambling blog to most of you. But I don't care.
I just hope ....

I hope I find my way back.

* Mailabby *